I frequent taverns. I enjoy sitting at a bar, having a few beers and talking to strangers. I learn a lot about human behaviour. Usually, when a person has gotten a little too drunk, I go home. Or I drop by another bar.
Over the last decade I have been propositioned by a lot of heterosexual men. Married men. Brothers. Taxi and Uber drivers. In many instances, they have asked me if I would go home with them for sex. Of course, I always politely decline.
But in some cases, I have asked them, “why?” A couple of years ago I was sitting at a bar minding my own business when two married men, bookended me. They had recently been to a Toronto Blue Jays game and they were smitten with me, for whatever reason. At some point they began to touch my chest and my bum, and I asked them if they coud keep their hands to themselves. Both revealed to me that they were married to women, but for me they would go gay. I have to add, they were with a female friend who was astonished with what was transpiring.
I laughed and asked them why. Things took a serious turn. Well, they were unhappy. Their wives were sexless, and they confessed that it appeared to them that women were more interested in appearances, in making other women jealous, than they were in being in a functional and passionate relationship.
This is a recurring theme with almost every woman I know. You don’t have to go much further than their Instagram accounts. It’s a projection, not reality. And if you start counting how many times they use the word ‘perfect’ you’ll find yourself losing count.
Almost every woman, upon getting engaged will post a photo of herself with her engagement ring. The comments will be from other women with trite remarks like, “you go girl,” or “way to go!” I came across one of these types of photos a month ago with the caption, “I said yes.” Well, yeah, I thought, there’s a ring on your finger, I hope so, or else, poor guy. But poor guy anyway. Women have become so accustomed to infantilizing themselves that it’s now pretty normal.
However, I think men are tired of it. They’re tired of having to do so much work with little to no benefit. They’re tired of being nagged, of being criticized, of women trying to change them the moment they get a man into their clutches.
They’re tired of humiliating themselves to make her happy. No man I know wants to get on his knee to propose to a woman. Trust me, they tell me this all the time! They don’t want a wedding. They really don’t want any of it. They do it, because they want to make her happy. But they soon realize that there is nothing they can do that will ever make her happy.
Trust me ladies, your husbands are confessing things to strangers at bars that should make you pause, check yourself and motiviate you to make some serious changes. But you won’t, because you’re rewarded in some way for adhering to a conventional relationship that is suffocating your husbands.
Mostly though, men are sick of boring sex. I think perhaps in my case, when I’ve been propositioned by a straight man it’s because they might see some adventure, some risk taking that they’ve been starved of. They really don’t want the life that they’ve been told they’re supposed to want.
Gay men figured out how to make relationships work. We fuck around. And it’s not something that makes us clutch our pearls. People are attracted to all sorts of people, so why not allow them to explore that connection?
We’re not gossiping to our girlfriends about other people. At least I’m not. There is nothing more boring to me than listening to women gab about one of their friend’s perceived relationship problems. Just worry about your own unhappiness, dear.
Gore Vidal was once asked why his relationship with his partner, Howard Austen, had lasted for over 50 years. “Simple,” he answered. “We never had sex with each other.” This is so shocking to women. But ladies, if you’re not going to have sex with your husband, let him go out and get it somewhere else.
Men are so tired of being controlled by women. I have female friends who will not have sex with their husbands, and if they do, it’s boring sex. They won’t let their husbands watch porn even. Like he’s a child of hers or something. I’ve had friends literally shame their husbands in front of me for watching porn. I’ve taken women aside and told them to cut it out. Men are tired of this. And so, it’s natural that they’re going to want to go outside of the relationship to find what’s lacking in their lives.
Women are so afraid of how other people will perceive them that they fail to be authentic. You can argue that generalization encompasses most of the population. But it’s a lot freer to stop caring what others think.
But few have the courage to step outside these limiting social norms. Again, and not to beat a dead horse, they’re too afraid of what others will say.
The years I’ve spent at bars has given me an insight and an empathy for heterosexual men. And it’s helped me realize that the narrative around how women are so hard done by is by and large a whole lot of bullshit.