Living with mania

For years I’ve had manic episodes.

Mania can last for days, even a week or longer. What happens is that I can’t stop thinking. My mind races rapidly. And I have to get everything that is in my head, out.

I also cannot sleep.

A manic episode is usually triggered by a stressful event and alcohol does not help which is one of the reasons I gave it up.

I have enough awareness that I’m having an episode and sometimes they come when I’m in social situations.

I’ve often seen the “looks” on people’s faces who can’t get away from me quickly enough. I’ve gotten a lot better lately disclosing that I’m experiencing a bit of mania. Some people understand, others think I’m nuts, and are afraid.

There’s a scene in the Carrie Fisher documentary called Bright Lights where she catches herself going a bit manic. That’s me!

They’ve been more frequent with age and I’m thinking that the time has come to be medicated, which I’ve avoided as I don’t like taking pharmaceuticals. I probably really need some coping mechanisms for when it happens.

It’s just a brain thing, a level thing, that is the by-product of childhood trauma.

Trust me, I have to work hard to rein it in, and believe it or not, my output is less than it could be.

It’s a mild form of mania, I’m not reckless and I don’t start running naked down the streets. Yet.

The hardest part is that I can not turn off my brain and I think think think. I become irritable, have flights of ideas and a sense of grandiosity. I manage it enough, and avoid alcohol as much as possible and try to maintain a proper sleep schedule.

So there’s that. I’m writing this because I’m literally coming down from an episode that has been with me since Thursday. I thought, you know, now is a good time to ‘come out’ with it.

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