It is strange and foreign to me how preoccupied gay men are with anonymous sex, or simply just having sex with men they consider ‘hot’. When I speak to gay men I’m struck with how much they need validation. They truly need to be found desirable to feel they have worth. It’s sad.
I was talking to a 36-year-old gay man the other day and he and his partner have an open relationship. As he told me they “play” together and separately. I had to listen to this nonsense and the drama their actions have created for three beers until I finally gave up and politely paid my bill.
His conversation skills were zero. He only wanted to talk about himself and his boyfriend and their dumb insecure relationship for the entire time I sat next to him. I asked him what all of this is doing for him spiritually and how it will positively impact his future, to which he had no answer.
Therein lies the rub. These guys never think about their future, because they often have this Peter Pan complex in which they believe they will never grow older, even though they are growing old right in front of me. They shut off their brain and focus only on validation. It’s immediate gratification.
Then they get older and no one wants to fuck them anymore and they have no idea who they are. It’s about going to ‘jockstrap’ night to be seen and to gawk at ‘hot’ guys. But what does any of that get them but a walk to the clinic to get tested for every single STI?
Doesn’t seem worth it to me. But you see many in the gay community risk exposure to the HIV virus for a fuck. They need to get off with someone in the quest to be desirable, or to fuck a guy they find ‘hot’. It’s not a joke, many gay men truly risk the future of their health for sex. They want the hedonism without any consequences, and when they are faced with them, they play victim.
I’ve had female friends too who never thought they would age and here they are at my age, 43, with nothing. No boyfriend, no ownership of any kind and the men don’t want them anymore. I see their desperation and I pity them. But also, I want nothing to do with them either.
I guess I was just old from the time I was 10. I always envisioned myself as being older. But I also had goals. I had ambitions that were not related to the material, or with consumption. It was about building a comfortable life and not focusing on the shallow aspect of life.
I look at myself. I’m thicker around the middle, I have less hair than I did 10 years ago. I see the white hair in my beard & how much more I have to run to stay somewhat in shape. But I’m happy to have an age-appropriate life compared to others.
When people tell me they’re struggling I simply don’t know what they are referring to. I never had any self-pity about my upbringing. How is it that I was able to repay $38,000 of student loan debt and have enough money for a down payment on my first and as of yet only home when I was 27?
I think the one thing my dad taught me was the importance of self-preservation. He also, a barber, taught me the value of a penny, a dollar, whatever. So I was never consumed with the superficial, but rather on survival. Once he told me when I was crying about something stupid:
“You put yourself here. You have no one to blame but yourself.”
It sounds harsh, but that informed my whole life. I control my destiny, I control my future, I control every part of my life. If it’s in the toilet, I put myself there. And I can get myself out. There is no need to wallow in misery and blame others. If your friends are toxic, get rid of them. In an unhappy relationship that isn’t serving you? Get out. Be used to being alone. Learn to stand on your own two feet.
I remember once in my 20s when I was out at some gay bar & this guy thought I was competing for his affection with another guy who eventually “won” out. He signaled to me and said something like “he’s hotter” referring to the other guy. I had no idea I was competing by-the-way.
I replied, when I figured out what was transpiring, “oh, I didn’t realize my entire value and worth was tied up in you finding me fuckable!” Of course, he was speechless. I just thought I was making friends! I learned more about this guy later and typically he had nothing.
He was emotionally, spiritually, financially bankrupt. He had nothing in his life I envied, nor coveted. What he did have was muscles, which sustained his self-worth for the time being. And it made him valuable in the shallow gay community that rewards beauty & youth with blowjobs.
But what makes me laugh with most gay men, is that I have the life they want. I have the lifestyle they desperately use others to get, even if it’s just for a weekend. And I don’t have to cultivate it on social media, it’s a reality.
There is nothing about their shallow, youth obsessed world that attracts me. I don’t need their validation, or their attraction. And I wish more gay men would focus on their futures, as opposed to trapping themselves in an environment that is unhealthy for them. And ruinous.
But again, their lives are of no concern to me. I simply wish I didn’t have to be subjected to their inanity when stuck in conversation with any of them.